I'm going to school again. Finally again, or again finally. And I just turned twenty-five. Halfway from twenty to thirty and I'm only halfway through school... I'm not exactly screaming success here. All my successes are accomplishing shit I failed to fucking do right, several times, I might add again.
This is the THIRD TIME I've taken these classes. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I don't study or am a moron and can't pass class. I meant I went to the whole class and about halfway through realized I could not handle the anxiety of school, especially when I had a bottle of liquor to drown in anyway. That was one thing I never thought of when I decided to work graveyards. You work graveyards and you take classes in the morning, which is after work, which is actually the evening. Or you come home and drink and watch movies and no anxiety.
Or sometimes you come up with great ideas like filling your coffee mug with Kahlua, vodka, and coffee. Tell yourself, "hell, I've got Russian class today, seems appopriate" as some kind of sad, pathetic swat at putting authentic reasoning into my decision. Get to class, eh, I'm sipping my *cough* "coffee" the whole drive up. Get into class, drunk, and everythings the same. Can't stand looking at everyone else.
The moral of the story is do not get so god-damned drunk that you stink of booze and can barely walk. You get in trouble, and they make you see a grad-student so he can pretend he's a real psychologist (I shit you not) and put you in
shuddergroup therapy. I swear to god you put me in group therapy and I'll
tell them that I'm doing great, perfect in fact, and try to rub it in the other people's faces. HA! Look, I'm fucking winning something! Hooray!
anyway,
I'm in the same classes for the third time. The first time right before mid-terms I just couldnt' stand going to class anymore. About
here.
Anyway, the third time I took the class I went for two weeks and fled. Fled school. Fled Jennifer. Fled my job. Decided to try starting over a step
up the ladder, actually.
Should we get back to normal, internet? I mean, I've been pretty fucking pissed about this place lately. Ok, lets go check STATCOUNTER real quick, I'll brb folks.
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WTF? I'm still getting 60 page hits a day, only from 22 people. So lots of people seem to hit re-load. Why the hell is anyone still reading my crap anyway. I never post damnit! I HATE YOU INTERNET. Anyway, hi twenty or so people. 10 people who didn't come here from google. I get weird hits from google sometimes, like "i started smoking cigarettes when i was twelve" or "my uncle made me suck his cock". Sorry fella, it was my neighbor, not my uncle. Heh, I sound like some damn idiot passer making shit up. I miss you internet, even if I hate you.
Anyway, NO ONE FROM SALT LAKE FOR THREE DAYS! Ok, so now I can post. You salt lake people, go away, I don't want to meet you shopping. You'll see how fat and disgusting I am. Speaking of which I should go see how fat I'm doing since I haven't dared step on a scale for literally four months. Anyway, four months is a LOGN TIME to be eating tons of food like fat people do.... ok, scale.
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sorry, it takes awhile, I have to take off my shoes and all my clothes and weigh myself naked so I won't think I'm fat because my wife beater weighs 2 pounds...
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Ok, that is just fucking wrong. The scale is dead, no batteries or something. But, I'm thinking, calm the fuck down buddy, you just bought batteries for your calculator. It probably takes AAA's anyway... No, this fucking scale uses a fucking CR 2032 battery. The god-damned meters my company makes to test diabetic's blood sugar take TWO of these. Ok, it's ok, I'll steal a battery from work tomorrow. How much do I weigh? I dunno. I guess. 140 pounds. maybe 145 pounds. I know I don't weight 150 pounds. Hell, at 150 pounds I can no longer even put on my semi-small pants. I'm already at the point where I barely fit the smaller of my two 30" waist pants.
at least I can still put all my clothes on. hell I would really freak it out if I got much fatter.
Things are good though:
black coffee for breakfast
tea for lunch
go over to Joe's after work, smoke tons of chronic, and eat two cookies. FUCKING COOKIES. 80c for two cookies, I shit you not. Anyway.
Get home, my pills all say "don't eat me without food or you're fucking intestines are going to explode" so I eat a roll (130c) with my pills.
And I've had two shots. Which, I know, is 120c. But I'm not coutning alcohol ever again. It makes me happy, deal with it.
So that's 210c. And most I've had all week, discounting the night when I binged on nacho's and purged up everything in the toilet, was 410c. So so far so good. Maybe I'll be close to skinny by October 15th.
I want to weigh as little as I ever did. Though I'd probably be ugly and LURPY and such. I think I looked my best after working out like mad and losing weight from 155 pounds to 140. At that 140 I looked the best, I think. Then I think, god, I probably weigh 140 pounds right now. But I have no muscle, just a horrible pot belly.
BAH!
AHHH, that is an 18.0 BMI! FAT FUCKER. Anyway. Gah. I need to focus on school.
Oh, I haven't smoked a cigarette in 43 days. That long.
ooooh I want a cigarette. I've actually been doing good by thinking "I want food, no I want a cigarette, no I'm going to do better and make tea" lately. So I like how I'm being healthy, or healthier I mean. Anyway, it doens't matter what I do or do not eat because I am horrifically fat so I can worry about that later.
"are you drnking again?", says Rehab. You guys remember Rehab? Ahmad? You surely remember Bone? I can't be the only one... and someone put 2pac back on the shelf at PASS. TUPAC! Fuck, I like lots of music, nothing wrong with rap.
Yes Rehab is only sorta rap. But I like how they sing about alcohol. Yes, lovely beautiful bottle of (on sale) $12 1.5 liters of whiskey.
80 proof.
I used to only drink 100 proof firewater, until I vomited, sick, stubmling around, wake up somehwere in puke, drnk water. Or not. Wake up on my floor. Vomit everywhere, a towel, vomit covered, in the corner. I guess I drank too much? Last night? It ended early, as far as i'm concnerd. I feel like I might be getting there again. I don't want to do that. I stopped drinking... can't I stop drinking?
I have weed now. Lots of weed. God, to have ghetto friends. I could have bought some coke today for $30. Enough for one night, Joe says. I turned him down. THese are my friends. You want to try a drug? I can ask Joe or Josh or James (why are they all J's?) adn I can get you any drug you want. I've been offered weed (heh), cocaine, acid, shrooms, and heroin. Then we have the pills that go around, oxycontin, codeine, a few others. blah
I've been told that college students, people who finish college by 22 (I wish I would have, oh it would be like a dream), anyway, they wish they could get drugs like I can. Idiots. Fucking idiots. Drugs are shit you use because you're a failure and can't go to school and
succeed!!!!Anyway, I'll try to post more. Maybe I can get readers again and gloat in my number 1 ranking on google for im cold. I'm not number one anymore, but I'm glad. No one in Utah can read this. That's the rule.
To end with something funny, like I once did,
Your Momma-Snowden
