Two and a half years was a long time to be with someone. The whole time I was with Jennifer I never felt like things were working but I always felt like the 'answer' to make them work was right around the corner. A corner that was going to be turned, eventually, and then things would work. Finally I realized that there wasn't, after exhausting every solution I could find, any answer lying in wait just shortly ahead. I think the final straw was this;
We never saw each other. We'd see each other for three hours, once a week, and only part of the time was time we spent getting to know each other better. I never got to the point where I felt like I could trust her with my inner-most secrets, or really any of my secrets. Though, I now know that she knew them since she invaded my privacy, hopped on my computer, and betrayed my trust. I'm sure that ultimately her doing that was pretty bad for our relationship too, since she didn't want to mention anything that would give away her reading my journal. She did, that's how I know she read it. She gave things away. Magically knew things that I only mentioned here. It just meant she couldn't comment on any of my problems. Oh well, it's all old news now.
Anyway, we never spent any time together. Just us I meant. Three, maybe a bit more, hours a week, the rest of the time half I spent babysitting her daughter while she slept and the other half we both spent babysitting her daughter. So it goes when you have a child. Stupidly, throughout our entire relationship I believed, and was assured by her, that if I was not working graveyards we would see each other more. Maybe see each other eight or ten hours a week, maybe even more. Well, our relationship got to the point where I needed to be able to talk to her. I needed to have someone I could trust, I needed her to be someone I could trust. There had to be a corner to turn, somewhere, so I turned one. I stopped working graveyards.
Of course, we then ended up seeing even less of each other, since I wasn't able to come over early in the mornings and baby-sit her kid. We still saw each other exclusively-and-alone exactly the same amount of time though. Our little weekly trysts, which did nothing to expand our relationship. This is in combination with a ton of other problems, of course, but this was the ultimate one. This was the last corner I turned before I realized I was just going around the block over and over, in a big circle, mumbling reassurances to myself that I was getting somewhere.
I talked to her, over and over, told her that I needed to see her more. "This relationship was not working for me", I said, over and over. We'd fight about it, I'd say this is not working, and she would make that colossal effort to come over one time. One day, she'd come over and spend another two hours with me. One time, I do believe it was one time, she came over during the day and spent four entire hours with me. Not enough time to rent and see a movie, but enough time to sit around and chat. Maybe go shopping together and start to talk the tiniest bit. After that one day, the one day she came over because of my complaining, then that was it. Back to normal, back to once a week.
I just got sick of it. Of that, in combination with everything else. Of wondering, mostly, whether she actually cared about me. Of thinking that if she did wouldn't she want to spend more time with me? Wouldn't she make an effort? Of thinking that she was just waiting for me to graduate school so I could support her. There was a mountain of evidence for this, it was a massive concern and something we fought about often. Just go back and look at me bitching about her refusing to get a job, or go to school, or anything. I wondered if I should have just known that this was how a relationship with a single mother is, from the beginning. If, maybe, I did know but it was easier to pretend like there was a corner to turn. I'd feel worse about it if Jennifer wasn't as active a partipant in the delusion as I was. I clung to those assurances that things would change, they would, if only I didn't work graveyards.
So I gave up, and we kept dating for a little while though we hardly had a relationship left. I stopped caring. It showed. I just went out on our dates, saying nothing, doing nothing, talked on the phone without speaking a word, made no effort to keep her happy. Then, one day, she told me that if things didn't change she was going to break up with me. So I agreed with her, we should break up, and she started sobbing and ran out of my room, almost like she didn't see it coming. Maybe she didn't? I think, things on her end were going great until I stopped caring and completely clammed up. Almost like she didn't realize there was a problem until then, despite the countless conversations we had where I repeatedly said "this is a problem."
And then she tried to stay in contact with me. For what? Some kind of resolution? Everything that happened makes me believe she never even understood what the problem was. Like she was lost in the haze, wandering around aimlessly through our entire relationship, waiting for me to graduate school and take care of her. Same as her father takes care of her idle mother. I'm sure that there are guys out there, most mormons, who want a relationship where they care for some mental-invalid, telling them what to do and how to think, keeping them pregnant and at home where they belong. Jennifer would be happier with a mormon guy, I think. I'd rather have someone I respect, someone who has beliefs that are their creation, logically crafted on their own initiative. Not someone whose beliefs are "my dad said...", "my mom said...", "the news said...", or "my bishop said...".
Maybe I want these things because my dad said that aliens from the other dimension sit at a computer and create invisible floating eyeballs that track his movement, spying on him, and report back to home base, so I learned early-on that argument from authority is just a bunch of fucking mentally-weak bullshit. (except when it's necessary. Now that's a dry conversation I'll just avoid so I don't bore everyone to tears.)
-Snowden
