im cold
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
I've been sick. I hate being sick. Sick on my vacation too with some ever-lasting cough that some damned doctor told me, when I finally went to one, is actually a sinus infection. Anti-biotics are supposed to fix me up straight but not until saturday-ish, according to my new doctor. I was sick of my old doctor and his stupid fuck up when I went to the hospital to have my appendix removed... (long boring story).

I guess maybe now wasn't the worst time to get really sick, since I was taking vacation anyway, but this week I've missed three days of work and am only getting paid for one of them. Which means two (actually three, because of some crazy shift-trade thing that was half-done and then cancelled... uhh, nevermind) days of no pay. On the plus side by the next time I work I shouldn't feel like I'm going to vomit a mixture of bile and snot up after every wonderful coughing fit.

Oh, and there's a girl on my futon that won't leave. I think she's sick too :P

I had to wake up early this morning, even though I'm sick. I had my second mid-term today, third one is thursday. I kicked this one's ass in about ten minutes and was the first one to leave, or should I say strut out the door. Heh. I've already gotten my score back from my first mid-term and it was forty out of forty. Hooray. I was sitting in class with my test hidden in my folder wondering if the whole class Aced it, it was pretty easy, when the sorority girl who stole my book in my study group asked the teacher if anyone got 100%. (Hooray), so I sort of gripped my chair in anticipation and he said, "ummm, one, maybe there were two but the class did fairly well and blah blah." So now I get to gloat at my study group :P

I'm going to have to wake up early tomorrow morning too, go see my p-doc. Everyone thinks I'm manic and my therapist wanted me to go see her like two weeks ago. I haven't made an appointment with him since... I really should do that today. Probably right after I'm done writing this. Damnit, it's hard to be open and honest when I'm not being forced to, and I wasn't really then either. Better do it though, I mean it can't hurt. God damn therapists, back before I was banned from the mhsanctuary forums I used to get so pissed off reading about these stupid mini-dramas people had with there T's, thinking to myself what a joke all this drama was. Now I've got all this stupid fucking drama.

But I'm not going to write about it :p

My p-doc is going to change my medication somehow, I know it... Argh. She is so pill-happy, she just wants to put me on every fucking drug under the sun. I am currently on three things, were she to have her way it would be six. Six is too many things to be on. Three seems like a lot, but four I can deal with so long as it doesn't turn me into a zombie. Eh, I guess I'll just go and see what she thinks is best and try the whole horrible blind-trust thing you get to do with mental health professionals.

What else is going on...? Joe is mad at me because I wouldn't drive to his house at 10:30pm, smoke him out, then drive back arriving home around 12:30am when I was sick and had to (try to) work the next day. He's avoiding talking to me because of it. I guess it's a big deal to him because he's got all kinds of fucking anxiety problems he refuses to recognize and just treats with weed. Oh well, he's got a bottle of whiskey he can drink that. Not my fucking problem...

Oh, long ago I got When It Falls by Zero 7, listened to it twice and put it on a shelf. Recently got it off the shelf for a few more listens and it's fantastic. Not as good as Simple Things but definately going into my car.

Now to call my T then lay in bed and listen to some music.

Thursday, October 13, 2005
I've got a mid-term today. Frequencies and distributions are running through my mind... I should be fine, though. I've done all my homework, read the book twice, been studying all day, it's an open book test and I get to use my calculator (which has a ton of tricks for doing the work the department head showed me one of the times I was harrassing him for answers). Follow that?

My therapist wants me to call my p-doc and have my medication changed. He doesn't think it's working and neither does anyone else, me half-included. I mean, sure, I've been very agitated lately, not sleeping much at all though I do take my nightly 30mg of temazepam, and have been getting tons of shit done all over the place. But I don't want to change my medication. The last time I let them prescribe me a pill (that I actually took) they gave me Risperdal, which completely zombified the fuck out of me. Completely.

I would go over to Joe's, slightly unsure as to what was happening just knowing I was tired. I'd sit on his couch and watch whatever was on tv, no matter what it was, and Joe would wave his hand in front of my face and ask me if I had heard any of what he said. I basically missed a week of work before I figured out what was wrong and stopped taking the risperdal.

Anyway, if they give me anything it better fucking be generic because I'm a poor ass student who needs to save his extra money for important things like weed and season 2 of Chappelle's Show. Move my appointment up so they can give me more fucking pills. Hell I've got pills, I'm just not taking them. Only three of them and I know how they work and they don't turn me into a zombie.

I'm going to go re-read that first paragraph, try to calm down about my impending mid-term.

I haven't really been up to much. Trying to avoid drinking, going to school, going to work, it's all great fun. My days off have become homework days. I've been watching Invader Zim, as my brother got some 6 disc set.

Off to school... hooray.

Friday, October 07, 2005

Seth and his friends are playing shots every time someone says "DOOM" on Invader Zim. God damnit I want to play! But, alas, I can not.

My therapist wants to change my medicine. Or he wants me to go see my p-doc, tell her I was drinking hard for three weeks and that when I stopped for the next week I was jittery as fuck and had everyone telling me to stop talking so much. And he told me I should e-mail anytime I buy a bottle of booze. And I shouldn't have lied to him while he could still have sent me to jail or forced in-patient because he wouldn't have. He says now, when he can't do shit :P

I believe him, though. That's why I'm still seeing him even though I don't have to. I think he wants to help. And he probably knows how. I mean he got his counseling experience with vietnam veterans and he knows a lot about alcoholism. He's got all kinds of papers on the wall and he is in charge of a major drug rehab program out here.

He actually seemed kind of glad. I mean the first thing I did after going in there was to tell him all about how much I drank last month. Blacking out ten or so times, last month. Then I proceeded to tell him just a few of the bad stories from those years of firewater and vodka. The first the he asks me about last month, "did you lose your job?"


I've done this for years! Lose my job drinking for three weeks. Sure, I was drinking A LOT, but lose my job? You're fucking kidding me, right?

The next question, "did you stop taking your medication?" I guess it would be much worse for me to just stop taking my lithium and drink like a fish then it is for me to keep taking it and drink like a fish. So keep taking my lithium if I'm going to drink, lesson learned.

God, my doctor today suggested I go back on risperdal. You have no idea how fucking zombified I was on risperdal. I mean I was just completely fucking zonked out. I will NOT, ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY NOT, go back on risperdal. PERIOD. I could not think on that shit. So I'll talk to my p-doc and we'll see. I guess my T thinks I need to take more pills... god damnit I don't fucking see why. I've been so tempted today to just stop taking all the pills straight up, except the sleeping pills. I like those ones. But I won't, I'll call my psychiatrist and move my appointment up. When it comes down to me I don't want to swing down and start drinking heavy. Hell no.

I guess we'll see what happens.

Thursday, October 06, 2005
This is the kind of bi-partisanship we could use more of.

Man that idiot Bush would look really really bad vetoing a bill to prohibit torture. How would that go over with his nutty base?

Ah, speaking of which my accounting teacher, who used to work for Price-Waterhouse-Cooper's before she had a few kids and became a professor, had to try to defend Tom Delay on Tuesday. I mean, she just started spouting right-wing talking points like "Ronnie Earle is a Democrat!" Oh good golly, not a *gasp* Democrat! Do people understand that when a grand jury indicts you it means that a JURY of your peers decided that there was enough evidence to prosecute you. Not to mention Ronnie Earle is one of the most non-partisan Democrats you're going to find, as this little blurb in the middle of a big talking-point infested news article sorta waves it's hand at;

I'm glad that the grand jury foreman somehow manages to understand that it's the jury that indicts people, not the district attorney. I couldn't manage to keep my mouth shut so I mentioned this to my professor. She deftly parried my argument with "he is a Democrat though." Yes, yes he is. This kind of Democrat.

There's plenty more at the link anyway. Damn, it looks like the Democratic attack dog Ronnie Earle keeps forgetting that if he's going to be a partisan hack he is supposed to prosecute the other guys. Maybe someone should pass him a note?

And this whole Tom Delay business has been brewing for years, it's just only political junkies who care enough to follow it. Anyone who is surprised that The Bugman is finally being brought up for all his corruption is a fucking idiot. Oh, I seriously doubt he'll do any jail time, he is a rich white man and a good 'ol boy at that, but this has been coming for years.

Did I mention that I hate Utah? Full of fucking idiots, that's what this place is.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005
I was late for work today. This is so fucking unfair, that's all I can think. I woke up this morning, my chest hurt, rolled over and saw my alarm clock. It said 1:10pm. Hmmm, the power must have went out, I figure. I shamble into my bedroom and check my other clock. Nope, oh shit, how the fuck did I sleep through two alarms? I'm not even fucking hung over!! I didn't even take a god-damned sleeping pill!

So I'm ready for work and out the door at 1:15. Get to work, talk to three old people, coughing and coughing, and realize that I must still be sick. I took a bunch of cough medicine and hoped for the best but half an hour later decided to head back home.

Of course on the drive home I have to drive near one of the four liquor stores I (used to) regularly hit. So I turned left and drove 30mph through the neighborhoods to get home. If your windows are down going thirty is definately cozier anyway... So, in Utah you can not buy liquor anywhere. You can only buy it at state run stores called "Utah State Liquor Store", and there are only 3 fairly close to my house. The 4th one was a 15 minute drive but I'd do it to keep things mixed up. At first I was just in the same liquor store every three or four days buying a new fifth of Firewater. That's all I used to drink, Firewater. Ughh.. even the smell makes me want to puke now.

I don't know why I was thinking alcohol would make me feel better anyway. A shot of vodka to go with my cold please! Better make it two, since it's past noon. No, not a good idea.

If I had weed I'd probably smoke it, though. But I'm not having a mental boxing match about calling up a few people and dropping fifty bucks on weed either, so I'm not too worried about that.

Moving on to other things...

Damnit I need some kind of distractions. I've already read all the fucking news. Maybe I should try to get into this video game Joe borrowed (yes, I'm a fucking hick and say borrowed) to me.

Here's a great song from a really good CD.

Graffitti The World

Tuesday, October 04, 2005
I'm sick of worrying if I'm defective. Insane, or something, I dunno. I nearly freaked out in class today, but I didn't. Too much school. I nearly bolted, halfway through class, and just left. Didn't want to draw the attention to myself. I wanted to slouch down into the chair so low that I dissapeared and was back in my room. I wanted alcohol. I drove home half-sure I was going to be wasted, if not tonight, then right after I got home from school. Fuck work, I'll call in.

But I didn't do any of that. I did scrape my pipe again. Probably would have smoked some stems, or at least green hit them, but the chronic I get doesn't really have stems. Just big buds. Showered, shaved, listened to Rehab's Graffitti The World. Excellent album, better then their first I'd say. Though I fucking hated it the first time I heard it. Somehow it's grown on me.

I ended up taking four xanex, which is the first time I've "overdosed" on them since they were prescribed for me. Usually I "underdose" and have just been saving the extras. I figure I'll send them to friends.

Anyway, I don't even want to talk about class. About school. Being around that many people my age is simply too many reminders of everything that's wrong with me. I can't handle it, sometimes. I think I would have been ok if I could have kept my nose in my book (The Moral Animal) but I've already read this shit and I was getting car sick on the train. Damn car sickness.

I made an appointment with my therapist. I'm going to talk to him before I post anything else going through my mind.

Monday, October 03, 2005
I can't make a fucking appointment with my therapist. Gah, I really like the guy but I had to see him for my court ordered drug rehab (alcohol) and while seeing him I occasionally (routinely) lied to him about drinking. How much, how often, "have you ever blacked out?", etc... Now I've got to go see him, now that he can't put me in jail, I need to make an appointment and tell him that I blacked out at least ten times last month. That I went through bottle after bottle for three weeks...

I've been smoking weed too, which is what got me into this trouble in the first place. I've been smoking weed this week, I mean, to sort of dissuade myself from drinking. It's more like I'll tell myself I'll smoke weed to keep myself from buying liquor. Once the liquor stores close at 10pm then I can't buy it and I'm fine. I don't want to basically swap one addiction for another, though, so I'm not going to smoke weed until mid-October or so. I'm not worried about not smoking weed, not like my friend Joe, who tells me when he doesn't have weed he has panic attacks all day about what he's going to do when he gets home. None of that for me. I just need to come up with something else to tell myself when I'm leaving work and the liquor stores are open.

And were I not at least partially confident that a simple "NO DRINKING" would suffice I would go buy weed. So don't take this post as a statement of my intent to drink, more like my intent to quit all these drugs. Except for all the bottles of pills I've got all over the place... Eh, at least these ones don't leave you hungover and they aren't illegal. Well, for me they aren't :P

I fucking need to talk to my therapist damnit. I mean I quit drinking and/but/also when I did I got into/was in a really bizarre rapid mood. A great mood. I felt fucking great... which, supposedly, is like a bad thing now? I don't feel that way now, but I don't feel depressed either. I dunno what the fuck was with that week but now I'm all worried I'm just going to downshift back into suicidal territory. Frankly I'm quite satisfied with how I am doing right now, with how I feel, I can't fucking even think of something I'd rather be doing differently this week. But I don't have to go back very far to find myself in total self-destruct mode...

This damn bitch secretary needs to pick up the fucking phone!!!!! I've called her at least thiry times in the last week! If I do not get ahold of her by tomorrow evening I am just going to e-mail my therapist and ask him to make me an appointment.

Thanks for all the cat pictures too Cinnamon! Does your cat do this Fay?

There there, there there.

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